I'm good at being sad. I'm good at hating myself. I'm good at pushing people away, keeping a wall up around myself or scaring people off. I'm good at crying out for help as I suffer over the pain I ultimately inflict on myself. I know this version of me all too well. I've had a good deal of practice.
Right now I am in transition. I'm better enough to make attempts but weak enough to be easily beaten down. And I'm not good at much of this. I think that social might be where it shows the most... I don't know how to interact with people normally, and I keep feeling like I should just retreat back into a little cocoon, but of course that's not how I learn.
I don't know who I am, because I've lived too long under the influence of depression. I'm finally tearing "stupid depressive" away from how I identify myself, which is good, but it also leaves a void. And so many of my other self-descriptions are infected by related thinking. I have this creative drive but I suck at arts and always will. I think I move well and have some potential in dance except, ha, being a dancer doesn't work when you're a blob. I definitely have some writing potential yeah right, how much you want to bet that no one gets what I'm doing when I think I'm being clever?
So I'm lost, and scared, and confused, and so easily made to feel like I should just give up and let myself fall back to what I know because I'm failing anyway. And this sounds like I'm whining, but this recognition is hopeful to me.
Because I feel this crappy precisely because I'm progressing. I'm changing into something I don't know. I have every reason to think that ultimately this is a good thing. And I'll get the skills as I go, in learning to be a happy, social, artistic person. All those things that have atrophied in my depressive state, they'll get better. Like starting to walk again after being on bed rest, or something, there's a phase of weakness being more obvious when you first start working on it again.
I'll be okay.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Music and arts
The arts seemed more encouraged when I was a child. Sure, there were some obvious biases (saying that playing music improves math skills sort of implies that math is more important, at least to me, and they were either electives or on a three-day rotation instead of being an every day, every year class), but still heard constantly how awesome these activities were for my intelligence and well being and isn't it so awesome that I'm playing flute and writing.
And then I get into the adult world, and I so often see things about how the arts in schools are being threatened, and we need to protect them. I don't think that this is wrong, but I feel like we're looking at too small a picture.
Occasionally there will be a call for help supporting the "higher" arts or drum corps. It's a cool hobby to have. But for the most part, no one gives a damn about arts in the "real" world. As if suddenly, its worth for the individual vanishes when they grow up unless they are looking at making a career of it... and even then, that's often considered a foolish ambition.
I don't know. I started thinking about this because I've recently discovered that I like some folk music. And how that term probably came about to differentiate between "common" music and the kind of music that'd be played at court or what have you (not that I've looked this up). If we were to define a folk music for our current time, it'd mostly just be amateur covers of famous songs. Karaoke, maybe djing for drunken idiots kind-of-sort-of dancing. And at least to me, that seems really sad.
I'd agree that the arts have a place in school. But I also feel like as a larger society we need to get out of the audience more often. I'm just musing, maybe this is silly. But I do think that either the arts don't matter or they matter for life, it doesn't make sense that the benefits dissipate... and I certainly don't believe that being artistic is worthless.
When I create, I see things about myself and the world that I may not otherwise. Dancing makes me happy, and occasionally even that most abstract art form helps me see the world through a different lens, or feel empowered. Writing helps me focus my thoughts so I can see them, and alter them as needed (i.e. being negative). I'd like to think, perhaps, that I have a greater creative drive than the majority, but I also suspect that such a drive is present in everyone. I see it in the number of people who enjoy art back in grade school, and the fact that enjoyment of music is all but universal. But it is so often lost....
I don't know how to change this picture, but it does seem quite off.
And then I get into the adult world, and I so often see things about how the arts in schools are being threatened, and we need to protect them. I don't think that this is wrong, but I feel like we're looking at too small a picture.
Occasionally there will be a call for help supporting the "higher" arts or drum corps. It's a cool hobby to have. But for the most part, no one gives a damn about arts in the "real" world. As if suddenly, its worth for the individual vanishes when they grow up unless they are looking at making a career of it... and even then, that's often considered a foolish ambition.
I don't know. I started thinking about this because I've recently discovered that I like some folk music. And how that term probably came about to differentiate between "common" music and the kind of music that'd be played at court or what have you (not that I've looked this up). If we were to define a folk music for our current time, it'd mostly just be amateur covers of famous songs. Karaoke, maybe djing for drunken idiots kind-of-sort-of dancing. And at least to me, that seems really sad.
I'd agree that the arts have a place in school. But I also feel like as a larger society we need to get out of the audience more often. I'm just musing, maybe this is silly. But I do think that either the arts don't matter or they matter for life, it doesn't make sense that the benefits dissipate... and I certainly don't believe that being artistic is worthless.
When I create, I see things about myself and the world that I may not otherwise. Dancing makes me happy, and occasionally even that most abstract art form helps me see the world through a different lens, or feel empowered. Writing helps me focus my thoughts so I can see them, and alter them as needed (i.e. being negative). I'd like to think, perhaps, that I have a greater creative drive than the majority, but I also suspect that such a drive is present in everyone. I see it in the number of people who enjoy art back in grade school, and the fact that enjoyment of music is all but universal. But it is so often lost....
I don't know how to change this picture, but it does seem quite off.
Monday, February 10, 2014
What makes you come alive?
I've almost always "known" that my career path couldn't be in the arts. I'm not that talented, I'm not that dedicated. I am nothing special. I don't think that this is self-loathing talking, although it likely plays a part in my past lack of success. I just don't think I'm one of the few who could make it.
But just about everything that's made me feel alive has been in that realm. I don't really get so hyped up over information. Over scientific inquiry. Not really. If I were honest about what I wanted to do with my life, I'd probably say that I want to live more of an artistic lifestyle. Even if that's not all that I do, even if I always have to have a "day job," it'd be a day job that gives me the support I need to actually do what I want to do, not my life in itself. Because I know the odds of my making a living in the arts, but at the same time... what do I really want to do with my life? How would I craft my life if I were coming from a place of fearlessness and confidence?
And then the question of school becomes not "what do I most want to do with my life" and instead "what path would best support my dreams?" Not chasing after my dreams directly in academia, but more of a second choice. And maybe that does mean science, and maybe that would turn out to me a good balance. Maybe there's my compromise. But maybe with suffering through school it wouldn't be worth it, or maybe I'll get into it later on.
I don't know. I'm just musing. I think it's an important line of questioning though.
What really makes you come alive?
But just about everything that's made me feel alive has been in that realm. I don't really get so hyped up over information. Over scientific inquiry. Not really. If I were honest about what I wanted to do with my life, I'd probably say that I want to live more of an artistic lifestyle. Even if that's not all that I do, even if I always have to have a "day job," it'd be a day job that gives me the support I need to actually do what I want to do, not my life in itself. Because I know the odds of my making a living in the arts, but at the same time... what do I really want to do with my life? How would I craft my life if I were coming from a place of fearlessness and confidence?
And then the question of school becomes not "what do I most want to do with my life" and instead "what path would best support my dreams?" Not chasing after my dreams directly in academia, but more of a second choice. And maybe that does mean science, and maybe that would turn out to me a good balance. Maybe there's my compromise. But maybe with suffering through school it wouldn't be worth it, or maybe I'll get into it later on.
I don't know. I'm just musing. I think it's an important line of questioning though.
What really makes you come alive?
Friday, February 7, 2014
Relapse
Yesterday was not good. I was doing alright aside from sleep deprivation, up until I got my hand slapped again for what I still bloody well think falls into the "cultivating healthy work relationships" level of talking. I know at least the second part isn't right, but 1) it makes me hate my job, it feels like they are seriously just trying to drag down our well being and 2) it feels like the world telling me that me trying to be social is inherently negative and I should just give up and shut up. I don't know. That's really what sent me on a downward trajectory.
There's also the fact that I keep having people I feel close to act like they don't care, which is hurtful or irritating depending on if I blame my worthlessness or their lack of consideration. And I get disapproval from people for not doing enough. I wish I was strong enough to just say "fuck you" and go on being awesome, but I'm not just yet.
Anyway. I pretty much crashed once I got home from work. I felt done. I felt like giving up on everything. Not as deeply as in the past, but still significant. I tried to fix it by working through what I was thinking for a bit, that didn't help anything.
I'm really lucky to have someone on my side who manages to say the right thing (a lot more often than they seem to think).
Because I think, more than anything, it's important to keep perspective. Where I was today doesn't mean much without considering the context of how freaking awesome I've been feeling recently and how constantly and deeply I was stuck in depression a couple months ago. I don't know that I'd say I've done anything great, but I'm doing well. I am progressing.
And the simple fact that evidence points towards me making actual change and just suffering through occasional relapses was enough to unchain my emotions and let them slowly start floating back towards positive. It wasn't a fix, but it helped me stop clinging to the negative that I am so familiar with. I'm still a little low, I'm up way too late. But I'll be okay.
There's also the fact that I keep having people I feel close to act like they don't care, which is hurtful or irritating depending on if I blame my worthlessness or their lack of consideration. And I get disapproval from people for not doing enough. I wish I was strong enough to just say "fuck you" and go on being awesome, but I'm not just yet.
Anyway. I pretty much crashed once I got home from work. I felt done. I felt like giving up on everything. Not as deeply as in the past, but still significant. I tried to fix it by working through what I was thinking for a bit, that didn't help anything.
I'm really lucky to have someone on my side who manages to say the right thing (a lot more often than they seem to think).
Because I think, more than anything, it's important to keep perspective. Where I was today doesn't mean much without considering the context of how freaking awesome I've been feeling recently and how constantly and deeply I was stuck in depression a couple months ago. I don't know that I'd say I've done anything great, but I'm doing well. I am progressing.
And the simple fact that evidence points towards me making actual change and just suffering through occasional relapses was enough to unchain my emotions and let them slowly start floating back towards positive. It wasn't a fix, but it helped me stop clinging to the negative that I am so familiar with. I'm still a little low, I'm up way too late. But I'll be okay.
Street performance tour and a thought on art
I have no idea if this is plausible. It's still in the daydream stage. But if I could get a little bit of money as I travel by busking, I'd expect that to both be freaking awesome in itself and would help me stretch what money I have going in.
I am not entirely sure I could explain how this seems like such an awesome idea to me. I just miss performing. And the kind of performance I miss most involved being able to use facial expressions and my whole body to convey things rather than just being a body in a chair playing music. So maybe it makes sense. Having people watch as they pass by on the street seems about as intimate a public performance as you can get.
The thing about the arts is that I think it's important to be okay with showing yourself. I suppose this might be a product of a relatively recent mindset, I keep reading things suggesting that art wasn't always seen as necessarily self-expressive. I suppose it still isn't. I don't know. I was going to say that you can still see that lack in arts such as ceramics, but even then, there's a bit of myself in what I make. It's never completely cold. Or is that an individual thing?
Regardless, that's how I am. Artistry for me seems to require a willingness to be transparent to the world, and even if it's in a form that may not truly come across (i.e. symbolic color choices), it feels a little scary. Dancing especially takes something very primal, very internal, so even if nothing overly emotional is on my mind it can be kind of intimidating.
This isn't an obstacle, just an observation. If anything, it just shows how so much is connected on some level.
I am not entirely sure I could explain how this seems like such an awesome idea to me. I just miss performing. And the kind of performance I miss most involved being able to use facial expressions and my whole body to convey things rather than just being a body in a chair playing music. So maybe it makes sense. Having people watch as they pass by on the street seems about as intimate a public performance as you can get.
The thing about the arts is that I think it's important to be okay with showing yourself. I suppose this might be a product of a relatively recent mindset, I keep reading things suggesting that art wasn't always seen as necessarily self-expressive. I suppose it still isn't. I don't know. I was going to say that you can still see that lack in arts such as ceramics, but even then, there's a bit of myself in what I make. It's never completely cold. Or is that an individual thing?
Regardless, that's how I am. Artistry for me seems to require a willingness to be transparent to the world, and even if it's in a form that may not truly come across (i.e. symbolic color choices), it feels a little scary. Dancing especially takes something very primal, very internal, so even if nothing overly emotional is on my mind it can be kind of intimidating.
This isn't an obstacle, just an observation. If anything, it just shows how so much is connected on some level.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I'm about a month in....
I'm not eating wonderfully, but I'm getting better. A healthy meal has become more the norm instead of the exception. I'm also moving a lot more, and I've kinda made it a habit to go walk outside every day.
I've not made grand leaps in becoming a wonderful seamstress, but I am at least starting to think craftily (i.e. "I wanna make a hip scarf!!" instead of browsing online stores for one). I've tried my hand at decorating mirrors, which I'm still rather proud of even though my painting skills leave much to be desired.
I'm not much of a dancer either, but I'm working on it.
And most of all, I'm not past depression. I'm still really tired much of the time. I'm still not a good advocate for myself. I still get sad. I'm still kind of anti-social. But my thinking has changed. It's not just a matter of depression etc loosening it's grip enough that I can breathe and smile occasionally... My thoughts are changing on a deeper level. The problems I have are still quite at the surface, but I'm learning to deal with them instead of constantly being brought down.
I keep worrying that I'm just going to crash down again emotionally, but this isn't like every other time. I am here because I fought, and I am progressing (however painfully slowly) because I'm still working on things. Maybe I'll get a decent amount of energy back too late to do a ton with it this semester, but even if that proves to be the case, this time will have served it's purpose on the path that I'm on.
And I do feel like I'm doing more than I was doing last semester. I mean honestly, I got next to nothing out of a 17 credit semester. Have a mentioned that there's a reason I felt like I should run away?
I've not made grand leaps in becoming a wonderful seamstress, but I am at least starting to think craftily (i.e. "I wanna make a hip scarf!!" instead of browsing online stores for one). I've tried my hand at decorating mirrors, which I'm still rather proud of even though my painting skills leave much to be desired.
I'm not much of a dancer either, but I'm working on it.
And most of all, I'm not past depression. I'm still really tired much of the time. I'm still not a good advocate for myself. I still get sad. I'm still kind of anti-social. But my thinking has changed. It's not just a matter of depression etc loosening it's grip enough that I can breathe and smile occasionally... My thoughts are changing on a deeper level. The problems I have are still quite at the surface, but I'm learning to deal with them instead of constantly being brought down.
I keep worrying that I'm just going to crash down again emotionally, but this isn't like every other time. I am here because I fought, and I am progressing (however painfully slowly) because I'm still working on things. Maybe I'll get a decent amount of energy back too late to do a ton with it this semester, but even if that proves to be the case, this time will have served it's purpose on the path that I'm on.
And I do feel like I'm doing more than I was doing last semester. I mean honestly, I got next to nothing out of a 17 credit semester. Have a mentioned that there's a reason I felt like I should run away?
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A new dream, gaining strength....
I want to get into street performing. I want to get good enough at belly dancing that others would enjoy watching, and I feel like I won't get a chance to perform on a stage without either getting really awesome at it (getting to a professional level) or paying for more expensive classes that include recital. And I love performing!
I have no clue if this is reasonable, especially when I can't see myself doing any pure dance form improvisationally. And then there's the fact that I still have a hard time seeing myself as capable of looking graceful. So I don't know...
But my goal is to have my first "performance" on the equinox. Which requires a lot of practice, a lot of other physical work, and sewing practice because I can't afford to buy a costume. And maybe that's too ambitious a date. But that's what I'm aiming for. ^_^
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