Thursday, April 17, 2014

Bring on the pain

        I have a stupid smile on my face. I don't know why. I have a couple of baby rats, who are adorable, are being accepted by my older ones, and are certainly happy-making... but not that happy-making.
        I woke up late enough that my medicine dose is a little late, and I feel great. I had already discussed with the doctor going off of these meds, and I'm supposed to be tapering off... but honestly, without the incentive of maybe getting better if I push through, I'm not feeling much incentive to take my poison. If my "withdrawal" from going cold turkey is feeling like running in the sunshine, and smiling, and making things... fuck it. This feels like my body saying it doesn't want any more, just stop.
         So I think I will. At least, I think that's my plan. I'll stick the bottle in my bag so that, should the symptoms get bad, I can promptly take a dose no matter where I am. This isn't a matter of being stubborn, I just don't want to take any more poison than I have to. Because it does feel like poison.

          And this isn't being replaced. Not right away at least, not directly. It will be replaced by learning how to work with my natural body. Learning how to plan my activity so that I can do the most possible without causing a flare. Learning how to nip a flare in the bud when it does start up. Learning strategies to get my sense of self-efficacy on an upward trend. If I do everything I can in that sense and still feel like my functioning could be much improved by continual medication, then I'll start playing with drugs again. But I see drugs as a secondary defense, and with a tendency to warp things and interrupt everything good and natural that I've been working on. Too many bad experiences, too little good, and too great a sense of dependency and unreal-ness inherent in such drug use.

           So I'll drop this. I predict that my fatigue will lessen, my activity will increase, and I'll end up with more pain. And I don't care. Bring it on!! If I truly have this condition, I want to face it head on.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Baby steps

        This is a truth that I guess I never entirely internalized, even though it's been thrown in my face over and over and over again. Even though I got it on an intellectual level, I never entirely felt it.
          Life isn't about the big achievements. I can never expect anything to suddenly get better. Not my attitude, not my energy levels, not my social life, nothing. No real change is going to happen over night through some intense burst of will and strength. I'm not going to wake up suddenly able to leap a thousand miles; all I can do is put one foot in front of the other foot. Baby steps.
           I keep finding myself setting these high goals and then berating myself for not meeting them. I'd go to the club (party/barbecue/whatever) and get mad at myself because I didn't magically become a socialite when I walked through the door. I'd get mad at myself for not being busy all day, even though recently I've been exhausted more often than not. And it doesn't make sense. I can't change any of this instantly, it's all a process.
            All I can do is bit by bit start feeding the better parts of me instead of the bad. Feeding good habits, reinforcing good thought patterns, etc. Feeding my creativity instead of depression for example. That's what I can do, that's where the power lies. Not setting unrealistic expectations of instant change.