Medication Use

        For a while, I've seen psychological medication as a crutch, except I think I mean that differently than most people who say that. I don't see it actually fixing anything. Medication can help alleviate some of the pain, help with functionality, potentially offer what's not working a better shot at getting better... but it doesn't, in itself, fix much. There is very real use, but it takes other factors to produce lasting change.

        Which is a big part of why I take issue with a shrink basically telling me that meds are the only way I'll get better, or that they are the only possible reason I'm getting better. As I see it, drugs might partially explain relief from direct depressive symptoms. They don't explain my efforts helping me be more productive and hopeful before I even got to my appointment. They don't explain changes in thinking. They don't explain my coming to understand better some of my dysfunctional thinking.

          My life isn't a controlled experiment, which is part of the problem with looking at medicine for a specific person I suppose, but I honestly feel like the trajectory of my improvement hasn't been changed by taking medication. And now, a month after a dose increase, I'm feeling more tired and my muscles are tightening up on me and feeling weak and I know it's not because of overtraining because I've been too tired to train much at all.

         I believed enough to keep going if there was no negative consequence, but not enough to suffer side-effects that keep me from doing what I wanna be doing (although, yes, there's a conversation with doctor that needs to happen). I think it may be about time I prove to myself and doctors who don't believe in self-healing that my improvement is a result of more than popping pills.



         On a more public service-y note, my rat nabbed a sertraline pill from my hand this morning when I went to take it. I don't know if this applies to anyone reading this, but it's not safe to assume that pet rats won't register medicine as possible good eats (my rats like to nab food from me), and I'm guessing that had she succeeded in getting more than maybe a tiny nibble I'd be looking at an emergency vet visit for serotonin toxicity.

---- edit----

        Doctor says that what I'm experiencing aren't side effects. But I can at least call partial bullshit (fatigue is enough of an issue to list on the fucking bottle!!), and saying "such and such isn't a side effect" seems nonsensical when it appears they don't bother listing super rare ones normally. I don't know, doctors probably hate me because I have a problem taking them at their word sometimes. But then, this is the doctor that tried to tell me that my getting better couldn't possibly be affected by anything but drugs, she's set me up to be skeptical.