Sunday, May 18, 2014

... Thinking too much is actually a thing, isn't it?

        I had some interpersonal drama explode several weeks ago. Yes, I have to be vague. It broke my heart, and it consumed my thinking for longer than it probably should have. I rationalized it by saying that I have to "process," but so much of it was just thinking in circles. It was dwelling in the pain, and repeating to myself (especially at first) that I am a horrible no good person in so many forms. I latched on, and it only hurt me further. I did need to process some, if I'd tried to ignore it I probably wouldn't gotten past the "I'm a horrible person" interpretation of what happened. That might have festered, and I might still be walking around hiding behind my hair. But I was too far on the other extreme...  I thought about it to the point of only hurting myself more. 

         I keep coming on here, but right now... writing doesn't help. Not just with drama, but with everything. Writing focuses my thoughts, and somehow right now that seems to be a bad thing. I couldn't say why, because it's not that what I sit down to write is inherently negative. It's as if my mind is telling me to knock it off. 

          Maybe there's something intelligent about my escapism. Watching netflix, spending perhaps a little too much time with my animals. I'm avoiding deep thought, and maybe that part is right. Maybe the key isn't to learn to think more or better or whatever right now... maybe what I need is to gear my "escapism" towards action instead of inaction. Distracting myself from thought with actual endeavors instead of trying to numb myself. 

           My thinking is going in countless circles with very little new insight. I need to break free. I need to explore, I need to do, I need to get more life into my existence. Pure rumination is good... but there is a limit. 

            (I may have started this whole blogging thing prematurely... =/  )

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