negative relationships

        It's common enough to see quotes about not caring about someone who couldn't care less about you. But that doesn't answer the question of why it's even an issue. That is a draining, negative place to be in. Why would anyone have to think about not being in it?

         And yet, that's the position I've been in for years. I've always had uneven relationships. And it's no wonder that I've felt like a hopeless unlovable bit of nothing for so long; it's a message I often got from everyone else. I don't remember the last time I didn't have some relationship that kept bringing me down because I was reminded, oh yeah, they don't care about me. Some of this might be insecurity, but not all. These were people I cared about though, so I couldn't let go. I felt like a worthless piece of shit, remember. I didn't think I deserved anything better.

           Then I left high school, and my social circle shrunk to only a few people almost overnight. My clinging to negative relationships became more than just caring a bit too much for people who treated me like I was less than. It became feeling like I had to take whatever friendship I could get. Shyness, horrible sense of self-worth, and not being very introverted is a bad combination.

            I still don't know what the answer is. Can I break this pattern now, or is it inevitable unless I cut myself off from new people entirely? But I am still affected by the fact that I need people in my life, I'm not a lone wolf. On a longer scale, I suppose the answer is probably that I need to know my worth, and I need to be aware of when a relationship is only hurting me... but that's the longer scale.

            And in the very short term... I wish it was easier to tell if certain people didn't actually give a fuck or really are just very flaky. -_-