Thursday, February 13, 2014

Another singular Valentine's Day.

        Valentine's Day has gotten harder as the years have passed. Another year single, another year not really even able to take comfort in friendly love. Not that I'm completely alone, mind you; but the few friends I have aren't single so I fully expect that I won't be able to be with them. My loneliness feels more in my face every year.

        This year has been a touch better. It's amazing how the caring of a stranger can be so touching. I signed up for a secret Valentine's thing this year, and just got a beautiful card in the mail. I don't know how to describe this... in a very real sense, there's a certain type of love that seems to permeate everything. At least compassion, if calling that a type of love is too far a stretch. You see people who seem to love everyone in this way, and I can't help but believe that it is genuine. And it is beautiful. I don't know if my secret valentine is that way, but I believe that affection of some form was put into my card, as it was in the gift I made for this.

         V day also makes me think about what kind of love I'm cultivating. I haven't been cultivating at all: I reject it all too often. I have a hard time believing in the care that others might have for me. If anything I cling to "love" that hurts me, but more often I've held on to the idea that I just don't deserve love, and anyone who knows me must hate me. It's hard to have a relationship of any kind with that block there, as much as I want to connect with people.

         And I suppose it starts with a love I've most resisted cultivating: my own. Which sounds cheesy, but there's some truth to it. It's why I made that mirror a while ago. It's why I fully intend on buying myself flowers today, and maybe some decently dark chocolate or something else happy. It kind of pisses me off that I have to accept the idea that you have to love yourself first, but there it is.

         So here I am. No expectation of having a date tomorrow, or a singles moping party, or anything like that. And I don't much care. Because I find it too awesome that I've been working on how I treat myself these past couple weeks, and it's a full moon on Valentine's Day, and while I certainly wouldn't mind being shown love from others as well... it's about time I learned to show myself love.


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