Yesterday was not good. I was doing alright aside from sleep deprivation, up until I got my hand slapped again for what I still bloody well think falls into the "cultivating healthy work relationships" level of talking. I know at least the second part isn't right, but 1) it makes me hate my job, it feels like they are seriously just trying to drag down our well being and 2) it feels like the world telling me that me trying to be social is inherently negative and I should just give up and shut up. I don't know. That's really what sent me on a downward trajectory.
There's also the fact that I keep having people I feel close to act like they don't care, which is hurtful or irritating depending on if I blame my worthlessness or their lack of consideration. And I get disapproval from people for not doing enough. I wish I was strong enough to just say "fuck you" and go on being awesome, but I'm not just yet.
Anyway. I pretty much crashed once I got home from work. I felt done. I felt like giving up on everything. Not as deeply as in the past, but still significant. I tried to fix it by working through what I was thinking for a bit, that didn't help anything.
I'm really lucky to have someone on my side who manages to say the right thing (a lot more often than they seem to think).
Because I think, more than anything, it's important to keep perspective. Where I was today doesn't mean much without considering the context of how freaking awesome I've been feeling recently and how constantly and deeply I was stuck in depression a couple months ago. I don't know that I'd say I've done anything great, but I'm doing well. I am progressing.
And the simple fact that evidence points towards me making actual change and just suffering through occasional relapses was enough to unchain my emotions and let them slowly start floating back towards positive. It wasn't a fix, but it helped me stop clinging to the negative that I am so familiar with. I'm still a little low, I'm up way too late. But I'll be okay.