I've almost always "known" that my career path couldn't be in the arts. I'm not that talented, I'm not that dedicated. I am nothing special. I don't think that this is self-loathing talking, although it likely plays a part in my past lack of success. I just don't think I'm one of the few who could make it.
But just about everything that's made me feel alive has been in that realm. I don't really get so hyped up over information. Over scientific inquiry. Not really. If I were honest about what I wanted to do with my life, I'd probably say that I want to live more of an artistic lifestyle. Even if that's not all that I do, even if I always have to have a "day job," it'd be a day job that gives me the support I need to actually do what I want to do, not my life in itself. Because I know the odds of my making a living in the arts, but at the same time... what do I really want to do with my life? How would I craft my life if I were coming from a place of fearlessness and confidence?
And then the question of school becomes not "what do I most want to do with my life" and instead "what path would best support my dreams?" Not chasing after my dreams directly in academia, but more of a second choice. And maybe that does mean science, and maybe that would turn out to me a good balance. Maybe there's my compromise. But maybe with suffering through school it wouldn't be worth it, or maybe I'll get into it later on.
I don't know. I'm just musing. I think it's an important line of questioning though.
What really makes you come alive?