Sunday, January 12, 2014

And so it doesn't begin.

     Tomorrow is the first first day of a semester that I will have missed since I was four years old.

      Last semester, I severely struggled. I got hit over the head with depression worse than ever during a semester that would have been difficult anyway. It left me questioning my academic path, because I was utterly miserable during a very major-focused semester. I was weary. And I felt broken. And I realized a few weeks before semester ended that I just couldn't imagine going back. I had finally reached a point where I had to accept that maybe I'm just not functioning well enough for that kind of thing to be a good idea.
     It's sad, and I feel like I should be ashamed. Or at least, society think I should be. The fact that I was working towards a degree used to seem like my one redeeming feature at times. "Oh, you're doing something with you're life, you're in school!" But I can't do anything with my life from the place I'm at now. I feel like I've gotten a little better since finals, but I still think I'm making the right choice. I don't want to force myself through a path that may or may not be right for me in the first place.

    I don't know. I feel like I had something profound to say, but now it's not coming out.

    All I know is that I am taking a break from making academic/career-ish progress, but that's okay. It will be a semester of making progress in working with my mind and figuring things out, so that when I go back I can hit the ground running and actually be happy.

    So I don't know. I think I may have to delete this later when I figure out what my major profound point was supposed to be. It just feels amazing, because while on the surface I guess it looks like I'm taking a slacker-y path... this is me taking control of my life. Departing from the school-until-college-degree path willfully so that I can take control instead of floating with the current to a place that is less than pleasant. And so this semester is starting, and I'm setting off on my own path of learning.

    Oh I so hope this turns out well.

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