It hit me again. Now I get to work. I get to fight... except fighting sounds wrong. The answer seems to be, rather than willing it away, saying "fuck you" and going off on another path. Kind of a passive-aggressive approach to dealing with depression..
I got hit with depression again a couple nights ago. With the "it doesn't matter"s and low energy and generally feeling run down and wanting to just crawl into bed. With not wanting to do things that I'd like to do, and almost choosing to miss belly dancing class even though it was my first one after wanting to do it for years.
Which is really annoying, and scary. Because this also came with the "I'll never really get better, crashing is inevitable and always will be."
So I don't know. I'm feeling more and more like actions are important. Saying "fuck you" to depression, but letting it exist, rather than trying to kill it. Go out into the sun instead of back into bed, you weaken it. Try that new class you wanted to learn instead of killing those dreams, you weaken it.
Making yourself suffer more over the fact that you suffer... that's something it's rather immune to, at best.
So here I am, drinking awesome tea, holding a rat, and writing this even though part of me still feels like I shouldn't. I'm still feeling it. But I am through wasting my life hiding in my mind.