Negativity

    It feels weird having this as a goal. I used to write on livejournal constantly, but then, back then I really didn't give a damn about actually writing something clever or useful or otherwise more than just me whining. I still do that more than I should, I suppose. I'm still accused a lot of being negative, even though I think all things considered I'm rather optimistic.

    I don't entirely know how I should interpret that. I suppose that on some level I know that venting isn't really useful past a certain point. Maybe on some level when I do that I'm really just looking for someone to knock me out of it and give me a reason to be less depressed or self-loathing. I really should know better.
    But I guess I didn't really understand it. Dwelling on emotions doesn't do anything to improve them, and yet that comes so easily. Suffering because I suffer. Beating myself up for being depressed when in reality I should just let it be and go try to do something that might make me happier. Much more efficient energy use. I guess I've heard that in various forms before, but it didn't really mean much. I wish I knew what the difference was. Maybe I just finally had the right combination of experience and being broken down and certain supportive people around me and just everything for it to click.

    So I don't know. At the moment I'm happy that I don't care overly much if this comes out as more than stream of consciousness.

    And right now, I am feeling tired, and I am feeling sad, and I really just want to fall back into bed. And that's okay. But the question of right now is"What am I going to do about it?" And trying to make the answer something besides "collapse in a worthless heap of despair." I've been there, it's really a rather boring way to be. It also leads to having nothing I like to do, which is laaaame. Which is another key to changing how negative I seem, I suppose, I need awesome things to talk about, instead of my life feeling defined by being a depressive worthless heap whenever I'm not at my shitty job. I need to cultivate said awesome things in my life. Oh, where to start...

   Perhaps a bit of walking outside with a book. That may be a decent way to get out of the depressed, apathetic stage of my morning. =D