Friday, January 10, 2014

The shadows are creeping back in

    It's hard to stand tall when the world seems scary and I'm so used to cowering but now that's scary too and I want so badly to live boldly but I don't know if I have it in me and....

   *deep breath*

   I still hate myself. I still think I have a ton of unfulfilled potential that feels permanently locked away. I'm still scared. But I do believe that something has changed. Maybe a certain person helped me see things differently, actually understand some of the cheesy messages that I've had floating around for ages. Maybe I just broke enough last semester that I can more easily rebuild. Maybe it was just time. But regardless, for once, I feel like I'm gaining power over my mind. I've been at the mercy of my biology and events around me for way too long.

   So here I am, feeling down, and scared, and tired, and all kinds of negatives. And the truth is, I still hate much of the present when it really comes down to it. But something new has come in to play, something that makes all the rest of that hardly seem to matter...

I will tame the demons in my mind. Though perhaps not tonight.

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