Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Relationships on low esteem

    I have a hard time believing that my loneliness is simply a matter of self-loathing, but I can't justify that by any means that don't just circle back anyway. At least potentially. In my mind, I'm a worthless person who doesn't deserve to be loved. On some level, anyway. Am I right, or is it simply self-fulfilling?

    It's frustrating because I know that I was different before I learned to hide away. I can see the spiral, and how it started. At least, I imagine that I can... I seemed to take a turn for the worse when I got bullied when I started school, and the more I hide, the more rejected I became. I'd say that, well, this means that there's no inherent reason for me to be where I am... but almost two decades later, I feel like I've been broken. I developed wrong.

      I don't know. This wasn't supposed to be such a downer.

      Once again, the best plan seems to be a pseudo-scientific approach. I am in no way convinced that I'd be a better person if I convinced myself that I was a better person... but let's test that hypothesis. Let's see what happens if I try to force a nicer self image, just change that one variable...

      Because what I'm doing sure as fuck isn't working.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you're questioning yourself too much, and really overthinking it here.

    "Am I right, or is it simply self-fulfilling?"
    "At least, I imagine that I can"

    you know your experience better than anyone else. your feelings are yours, and they're telling you something, listen to them, and don't second guess them, you might find the answers you're looking for quicker.

    I'd use "force" a self image (force specifically) cautiously. as hard as it is to think about it this way, just "allow" yourself to have a nicer image. just a change of perspective. force makes it seem more daunting of a challenge.

    Good luck.