Saturday, January 25, 2014

    It's a bad evening. It's been a bad few days. I drag myself out of bed, I make tea, I go walk in the sun... and I'm happy for a moment. Crash. Make myself get back up, maybe do a tiny bit of cleaning. Crash. Make myself dance. Crash. Constantly. It's an improvement over just spending all day watching television shows in bed, but it is nonetheless extremely frustrating.

   I don't know how to turn this around. How to actually get myself to a point where I can be secure and productive. I suppose that all I know is that I have to keep at it. I need to look at what's going on, and try to change accordingly, but I can't give up. I keep failing, but am I at least failing better? Perhaps.

    I'm just tired. It takes less energy to just be stable than to crash, recover, crash, recover, crash, recover. Even if being stable means being miserable. It's worth the energy if those are my choices, but... fuck, I only have so much energy. What if I burn out before I get to actually happy-stable?

    I don't know. Um. I'm trying to come up with some positive note I can put in. I'd like to think that I'm being resilient. I'm acting like a fighter more. Something. I don't know. It's late. This may be one that gets deleted, and if not, we will hopefully soon return to your regularly scheduled cheesy positivity.

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