Sunday, January 19, 2014

     I went to my first formal meditation yesterday. It seemed rather shallow, but then, I suppose that worrying about that is hardly productive. The only other things that really stands out about my experience are that I lacked any sense of time and my legs fell painfully asleep, to the point that when we got up for walking meditation I kept almost falling over at first. I don't know how to talk much about something where the whole concept is to sit doing nothing.
    But something hit me a little bit after and kept ringing in my ears for a little while: a feeling of absolute freedom. I don't know what was said that somehow made that click, because the talk at the time was simply about the practice of meditation. But I just got hit with this feeling of being free. Being unchained.

    I don't know what my point is supposed to be.

    It's really easy to break down. To get scared. To convince myself that any progress I make couldn't possibly stick. But here I am.

     I am looking for opportunities. I am opening up. I am fighting, and I am learning. This is not just a respite from acute depression. This is me making actual change.

     I am not free of my past... it's impacted my mind and my situation. But it doesn't have me chained. I am free to change my path. The power is in my hands... and they are getting stronger.

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